This month is not only breast cancer awareness month but, it is also mental health awareness both topics are extremely important but one I find is pushed under the rug not spoken about it's hidden from the world because it may make us look weak to our peers and maybe we don't want to admit it. Mental health is important to me personally, I honestly thought when I would sit down and write this out I would tell you about my story all in one setting but now as I sit here typing away I find that is not what will be happening, my story may or may not be written during the following weeks and it may be added in sporadically. What I do want to start out this post with is no matter what your going through please know you are worth it, you are needed and please reach out to someone if you need help, it is okay to ask for help.
Me as a person I have dealt with a lot of things but one I find myself dealing with more than not is the one word that a lot of people don't want to admit for some reason and it is not what you are most likely thinking, the word I am speaking of is loneliness... I am a lonely person I cannot tell you why I am lonely it is not because I do not have a loving and amazing family nor is it because I don't have friends, it isn't because of a lack of communication, and it is not the loneliness I had when I had not came to know my loving savior Jesus Christ for he filled that loneliness. This loneliness is different, I don't know why I am lonely all I know is that I am, and I am okay with my loneliness. I recently opened up and told my amazing mom of my lonely state and it bothered her it still does, though she has done nothing to cause my lonely feelings nor anyone has, but I noticed that it bothers a lot of people who know someone who is lonely and it even bothers the person dealing with the loneliness. If your the person who knows someone who is lonely please know it isn't your fault, you've done nothing wrong. If you're the person dealing with the odd emotion of loneliness, it is okay to feel lonely nothing is wrong with you because of your lonely feelings. I honestly cannot tell you when the lonely feeling began it was like one day it wasn't bothering me and then one day is was there and it hasn't left, I found myself thinking something was wrong with me why was I lonely when I had an amazing family who I am always surrounded by and I have a small group of amazing friends but above all of that I have an incredible God who I love and serve, I had no reason to be lonely. It was eating me alive because I have no reason to feel that way, to feel lonely so I decided that I would text my God sister and ask her if she felt lonely at times or in general I needed to know if I was the only person who felt lonely. So I waited for her response and she told me the thing I wasn't expecting, that she felt lonely to and then more of my friends began to tell me that they were lonely people like me. Even though I knew I wasn't the only person who felt this way anymore I still found it bothered me, it made me feel guilty, I felt guilty because I am so blessed and I felt along with other things I go through that I was a bad Christian because I felt a certain way, not that I am not and was not grateful and loving Jesus with everything in me and serving him, I wasn't mad at him, or holding onto anything, but I still felt guilty. It took me awhile to realize that the thoughts of God couldn't use me or he was mad at me, because of my lonely state were wrong but in fact he would use my loneliness. I think at times we feel guilty or un useable because of the things we go through when in all reality we loose sight of that God can take the things we use and go through and make it wonderful and at times that is why we go through them. Today as I sit typing this all out I am okay with my loneliness, does it mean it has went away no it hasn't it still is here, it comes in a room full of people, it's there when I am all alone, it comes when I am going to bed, and when I am smiling and laughing with friends it is still here but I don't let it bother me anymore. I am a lonely person and that is okay do I need to take time for myself and relax and listen to my favorite songs, watch my favorite show, take a long bath and do a skincare routine, hang out with friends, yes because I need to take care of myself, to take care of my mental state, to take care of myself on my lonely days if that means I need to clean the whole house in aggression, if I need to cry while a song fills the air, if I need to laugh along with a show, video, or with family and friends then I need to do it because taking care of yourself mentally is just as important of taking care of yourself physically. If you're reading this and feel the loneliness I do, it is okay that you are lonely you still have a purpose and you still are the same amazing person you always have been it is okay to feel, it is okay to reach out and talk to someone because you're a human being who needs to take care of yourself and that is okay. Repeat after me. "I am /your name/ and it is okay that I am lonely, and there is nothing wrong with me for being lonely."
